Comedy has existed as a form of storytelling for millennia: The oldest-known joke — about flatulence, no less — dates as far back as 1900 BCE. Since then, humor has evolved and gone through countless iterations: monologues, slapstick physical performances, observations and rants, deadpan deliveries, and, of course, the traditional one-liners.
Relying on wordplay, irony, or unexpected twists, these whip-smart witticisms usually deliver a setup and punchline within just a few short words. In the 1980s, the one-liner joke started to fall out of favor as “alternative” comedians fostered more nuanced and long-form deliveries — but the classics, as they say, never go out of style.
Here are 15 of the best one-liners from timeless talents such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, Steven Wright, and more.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.”
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time.
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Featured Image Credit: George Rose/ Hulton Archive via Getty Images
Nicole Villeneuve
Nicole is a writer, thrift store lover, and group-chat meme spammer based in Ontario, Canada.
