Article image

The Best One-Liner Jokes From Comedy Legends

Comedy has existed as a form of storytelling for millennia: The oldest-known joke — about flatulence, no less — dates as far back as 1900 BCE. Since then, humor has evolved and gone through countless iterations: monologues, slapstick physical performances, observations and rants, deadpan deliveries, and, of course, the traditional one-liners.

Relying on wordplay, irony, or unexpected twists, these whip-smart witticisms usually deliver a setup and punchline within just a few short words. In the 1980s, the one-liner joke started to fall out of favor as “alternative” comedians fostered more nuanced and long-form deliveries — but the classics, as they say, never go out of style.

Here are 15 of the best one-liners from timeless talents such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, Steven Wright, and more.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

Share Quote

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.”
Mitch Hedberg

Share Quote

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner

Share Quote

I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time.
Steven Wright

Share Quote

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident.
Jimmy Carr

Share Quote

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

Share Quote

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
Graham Norton

Share Quote

If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin

Share Quote

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
Sara Pascoe

Share Quote

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan

Share Quote

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.
Norm MacDonald

Share Quote

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
Wendy Liebman

Share Quote

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

Share Quote

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.
Milton Berle

Share Quote

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

Share Quote

Featured image credit: George Rose/ Hulton Archive via Getty Images

Author image
About the Author
Nicole Villeneuve
Nicole is a writer, thrift store lover, and group-chat meme spammer based in Ontario, Canada.
Play more header background
Play more icon
Daily Question
Fill in the blank: "In quietness the soul ___." - Rockwell Kent

More Inspiration

happiness theme icon

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

separator icon
Eden Phillpotts
motivation theme icon

One shouldn't just hope to be treated well: one must insist on it.

separator icon
Abraham Verghese
hope theme icon

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

separator icon
John Wooden
love theme icon

Love comes… when you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.

separator icon
Joyce Brothers
wisdom theme icon

I felt it shelter to speak to you.

separator icon
Emily Dickinson
happiness theme icon

The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.

separator icon
Keanu Reeves
motivation theme icon

I can't give you a recipe for success, but I can give you a recipe for failure: try to please everybody.

separator icon
Frank Langella
hope theme icon

It's more difficult to be simple, and it's easier to be more complicated.

separator icon
Black Francis
love theme icon

You can't learn style. Style, I think, is in your DNA.

separator icon
Iris Apfel
wisdom theme icon

To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's.

separator icon
Fyodor Dostoevsky
happiness theme icon

Do not whine... Do not complain. Work harder. Spend more time alone.

separator icon
Joan Didion