Pets aren’t necessary to lead a happy life, but as roughly 87 million American households can attest, they certainly help. As of 2023, around 65 million U.S. households have a dog, 46.5 million have a cat, 11 million have freshwater fish, and 6 million own birds. Those numbers are a testament to just how much humans enjoy keeping animal companions, whether they’re furry and four-legged, scaly, or feathered.
In fact, humans have been cohabitating with domesticated animals for millennia. Research suggests that North American Paleo-Indians kept dogs as pets as far back as 11,000 years ago. In 2008, scientists claimed to have found the first dog after unearthing a 32,000-year-old canine skull in a Belgian cave.
While many of us choose to keep pets for the unconditional love and support they provide, they do far more than offer a hairy (or feathered) shoulder to cry on. As most pet owners can attest, our animal buddies are also endless wellsprings of comedic entertainment. Whether you have a dog, cat, bird, fish, reptile, horse, or other animal, these hilarious quotes about our domesticated friends will have you paws-itively rolling on the floor with laughter.
If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re gonna think the dogs are the leaders [of the planet]. If you see two life-forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?Jerry Seinfeld
One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.Dale Carnegie
There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.Dan Greenburg
Dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. Give me a pig! He looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal.Winston Churchill
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.Terry Pratchett
I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ’cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. Her body is young; her face is as old as time. She definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris.John Mulaney
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.Ellen Perry Berkeley
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle.Ian Fleming
I love [cats] … They are so nice and selfish. Dogs are TOO good and unselfish. They make me feel uncomfortable. But cats are gloriously human.Lucy Maud Montgomery
Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause the most inconvenience.Pam Brown
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.W.C. Fields
What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around — that’s their job.George Carlin
I have lived with several Zen masters — all of them cats.Eckhart Tolle
You’ve got to feed [geckos] crickets and worms and stuff. So now, I’m standing in line at the pet store with crickets, and I can feel my ancestors just looking at me like, “Is this progress?”Wanda Sykes
If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.Alfred North Whitehead
A fish tank is just interactive television for cats.Oliver Gaspirtz
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.Franklin P. Jones
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